There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
