when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
