I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
