grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
