I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
