I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
