I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
