I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
