He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
