dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
