I faked an abortion last night.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just found a bag of teeth...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
