You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So I just went to clothing optional bar
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
