so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
vagina is talking i cant
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Randomize
