you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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