I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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