Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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