So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
