i don't plan on having that self control this summer
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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