you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Randomize
