oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
