i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
