Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
