She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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