Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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