On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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