I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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