You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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