I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
