After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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