I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
