Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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