maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
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