woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
