I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
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