When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
