Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
