This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
