Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize