the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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