Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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