if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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