remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
