Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
