Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Randomize
