im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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