I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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