Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
