I just pynch a tree in the face
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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