Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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