Where did you get a picture of my penis
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
