She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
