This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
