He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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