don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
