Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
