There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize