Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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