I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
