Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
